My Blog is moving

Please note all new entries will be at:
http://details-adele.blogspot.com/ from today on.

A Day of Silence

Today was a day of silence.  I hadn't planned this day.  As I cleaned, read, ate and rested, the silence lovingly swam around me.  In fact, it felt so good that I recognized it for what it was.....a gift, and then spent the rest of the day revealing in it. And then more purposefully continued it.

What went with the silence was another gift.  A silent mind.  Usually my mind is flying from one topic to the next.  It just won't shut down.  It's like a tape recorder in your mind where someone keeps pushing the rewind and play button. But for today, my mind more or less stayed on what it was doing.

I know that this kind of a day can happen more often if I cultivate the habit. But sometimes these days just are given to us as a gift.  I am so glad that I unwrapped it!

When was the last day you had a day of silence?

Lessons My Sister Taught Me

I have always admired Beth for her ease with the laptop.  It really has become an extension of her body!  She is very savy in her blogging moves, and the design of the way she makes her laptop a best friend of sorts.  Envy oozes out of me when I watch her tickle those keys.   She makes it look so easy, and yet she said she has learned the most by simply fiddling around with her computer. I just haven't taken the time to do that.

I need to schedule time to fiddle!!!  Getting back to this very basic blog and having fun with colors and formats is a lot of fun for right now.  Then I want to start a new blog that is basically photos of little moments in time we might ordinarily walk right by.  There are just dozens of those.

I'll keep working away at it.  And watch myself grow!!!  If I have to buy blogging for dummies, I'll just do it!!!

First Meeting

Today I met with a therapist to help me deal with the depression I am experiencing. She has experienced two bouts of cancer herself. This was a difficult time for me, as I had to go through all of the cancer medical history. I could fill myself sliding down the depression mountain the more we talked. How could I feel so full of hope and optimism yesterday, and go back into crawling into bed today?

I guess I learned that there are going to be up and down days. That medication can only go so far. And we are still tweaking the medication. I just long for a normal day, feeling normal. I wish I had started this whole process with Philhaven much sooner. But depression is sneaky, it gets worse very, very slowly. It sucks you in. It makes each bump in the road a huge gully that seems impossible to travel over.

I wonder why God placed me with this person. I was looking for help and instead got a conversaton between two cancer survivors. She seemed amazed at what I had been through.

But I need to see the bigger plan. This was just a first meeting and she had to get to know me and why I was there. She also shared from her own life experiences which will be valuable. She also is a Christian.

But I did get shook up, and left with tears in my eyes.

She made an interesting comment about getting mad. Getting angry gives one a sense of power, while being depressed does not. And today I do feel angry at the situation I find myself in. But I know God is with me, and I know He understands. I need to push myself and not waste a minute of the precious life Christ gave me through His own death on the cross.

She also mentioned finding those golden moments in each day. I need to always be searching for those.

Endings

Retirement should not end this way. There should be parties, cards, hugs and handshakes. There should be the ruffling through the files, papers, and mementos that represent years of teaching in a classroom. There should be excitement at starting the next phase of your life, and plenty of people to share that excitement. There will be a sense of closure, of fond fairwells, and knowing that you can always visit the kids.

But retirement does not always end this way. Rick made a trip to the school and the district office because I was emotionally unable to. Papers were signed and letters written from home. We told a few people and there was little joy in the reaction. It is a "have to" retirement for medical reasons. I am retiring to continue my battle with cancer, in hopes of a much longer remission. This is no picnic. No travel plans. No excitement about starting new projects and developing new interests.

For many people, certain life changing situations interrupts the natural flow into a "retirement state." I am by no means alone in the way retirement is coming to me. Even our superintendent had to retire in this way, due to stress and heart problems.

What I need to do now is find redirection. Rethink goals and ways I can still meaningfully contribute. Love my grandchildren and enjoy my family and friends. Eat right, exercise, and keep mentally energetic and busy. Life is precious.